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lots of things are public but most things are friends-only. also i change my mind a lot regarding privacy levels, so take that as you like. it's also the explanation for entries that disappear. then reappear. all the time.
“You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone. You’ll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it’s gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It’s like you feel homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist. Maybe it’s like this rite of passage, you know. You won’t ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it’s like a cycle or something. I don’t know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that’s all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.”
- Garden State
i have absolutely no reason to feel a big void. but it's there. the following is desired and would be used to alleviate the emptiness of this particular hole, for reasons both shallow and not so much.
bon iver, live
the Perfect Mix CD, part 6
direction
kindle
500 days of summer
a best friend
that i can talk to
whenever i want
about anything i want
without feeling like
they don't want to hear any of it
because lately
i really need it and
i know there are people who think they are here
for me
but
well
even though they think they want to hear it
they don't want to hear it
a red scarf to tie around my neck this winter
a ticket to ac milan next sunday :(
home (what are you?)
the opposite of insecurity
(which does not always translate to security)
bon iver, live
the Perfect Mix CD, part 6
direction
kindle
500 days of summer
a best friend
that i can talk to
whenever i want
about anything i want
without feeling like
they don't want to hear any of it
because lately
i really need it and
i know there are people who think they are here
for me
but
well
even though they think they want to hear it
they don't want to hear it
a red scarf to tie around my neck this winter
a ticket to ac milan next sunday :(
home (what are you?)
the opposite of insecurity
(which does not always translate to security)
good thing i don't care right? good thing.
truth is i've always been afraid i will never be truly content and happy spending the rest of my life with someone else. this sentiment is not out of dissatisfaction, nor of greed or selfishness or vanity or anything like that. contrarily. i just don't believe anyone should have to deal with me. (sidenote that i fiercely debated whether or not this should be made public, and though i am still having that internal argument, an inclination toward yes is developing due to both low readership and the desire to explain myself to that low readership.) sometimes i am very volatile. and sometimes i feel things very strongly. and most times i act upon these feelings in very unorthodox ways. and i am difficult to understand, and most of the important things are buried so deeply that usually they tend to not come out, and usually i am very private and oftentimes very closed. but sometimes i'm not. and sometimes these important things float way too close to the surface. and that's where affairs move into more troublesome waters. that's when i become more vulnerable and simultaneously more cautious and reasons for the two stances come from opposing ends of my conscience. and when this state is reached the combination produces a synergistic effect: a personal ultimatum that brings me closer or that much farther away. this is not meant to be an in-depth analysis but rather a brief of what i am like, and why i should not involve myself in matters of the heart; but it is not an explaination of why i am still involved anyway. still very, completely, increasingly involved.
very uncharacteristic the way i tackled this season with barely any kind of direction. sometimes i just get tired of planning my life and choose to close my eyes and hope magic will result and i am too easily discouraged when i realize things are exactly as i left them -- unresolved. so instead of leaving these three months up to fate (as i originally wanted), i suppose it's a smarter idea altogether to push it one way or another.
there is a multitude of factors keeping me from spending all summer in california, but such matters are unimportant. the way i see it, i will be in the pacific northwest until the middle of july. this will include familial bonding, a seaside july4th trip to ocean shores, adventuring into canada, exploring seattle, and living in my most favorite house i've ever lived in. hopefully the company will be pleasant and reprimands kept to a minimum, but that's never guaranteed with these parents involved, especially given their current climate.
afterwards i will return to orange county in time for the midnight showing of potter, and the rest of july will be littered with various beach trips and soccer matches and lazing around and general debauchery, perhaps with some of my favorite people ever, but that's another matter for another day.
and then i go to new zealand. it's still ridiculous to me how that little idea managed to manifest into something real, and indeed it is now very real, complete with a six-person group and plans of hostels, road trips, and a very kickass camper van.
in other news: second year officially ended as of last thursday. quite honestly i am growing further and further from the person i was in high school, whether or not it's towards the right direction i still have no idea. but if there's one thing i'm sure of, it's that this year instilled a very powerful sense of self into my scope of vision and personal awareness. and whatever the endresult is, i'm glad for this discovery stage, and the people who are a part of it.
i am growing up more consciously than i ever will again. this particular stage is so confusing, and at it times renders me lost and loster and loster still until i shut the entire world out if only just to breathe for a bit. it just gets overwhelming how tiny things can shake me to the core, how previously unnoticed words and conversations and gestures can now become potential centers of unrealized conviction. as a faithful believer in the idea that nothing tangible ever lasts, i've developed a certain peace in knowing that even though these people will someday stop being a part of my life, they will always be a part of me, apart from me, existing both as separate entities and extensions of my self.
this has rapidly become as un-readerfriendly as i'd ever want, but it's almost dishonest if i remove it now. all i really want you to know is that to me there is you, and i am fucking grateful for you, and i am very happy to know you. this could go to anyone in general but to a few in partifular,
if i couldn't make my old relationships last, who's to say these won't disappear even sooner? i want mike back in my life so badly. because if i can somehow find my best friend in him again, then love really can transcend deliberate detachment, and i am allowed to have faith in the people around me. there is something safe about a forceful presence, about another person a part of you, apart from you, someone who exists in a different dimension but lives for the same thing.
but when shells harden and walls go up it becomes increasingly impossible to allow any kind of presence to penetrate deep enough to feel real. even though there are a million and a half reasons arguing against you.
i guess that's where my head is. stuck on some metaphorical fork in the road. half- interacting on auto pilot and half- looking for the catalyst that deems this all as magic.
speaking of magic: there is an uninterrupted sequence of raw beauty in this song. the seventh stanza.
it's been rare lately but i will always love these empty nights in my room, music resonating in the air and half-light pouring across the walls. it's the closest thing i have to meditation and interestingly enough it's the least lonely i've felt in a long time.
but when shells harden and walls go up it becomes increasingly impossible to allow any kind of presence to penetrate deep enough to feel real. even though there are a million and a half reasons arguing against you.
i guess that's where my head is. stuck on some metaphorical fork in the road. half- interacting on auto pilot and half- looking for the catalyst that deems this all as magic.
speaking of magic: there is an uninterrupted sequence of raw beauty in this song. the seventh stanza.
it's been rare lately but i will always love these empty nights in my room, music resonating in the air and half-light pouring across the walls. it's the closest thing i have to meditation and interestingly enough it's the least lonely i've felt in a long time.
please
remember me
happily
by the rosebush laughing
with bruises on my chin
the time when
we counted every black car passing
your house
beneath the hill
and up until
someone caught us in the kitchen
with maps
a mountain range
a piggy bank
a vision too removed to mention
just a warning that another travel post is forthcoming:
after a few months' worth of contemplating summer possibilities, i finally gave up and decided the american economy wasn't going to give this second-year architecture student a quality internship, or any kind of job for that matter. so i let the wanderlust kick in (i'm lying. it's been there all along.) and decided the most logical solution to summer boredom would be to take advantage of the plummeting airfares and travel.
and now i am going to new zealand.
i just know nothing about it.
(i mean i suppose i could watch lord of the rings and chronicles of narnia a million times and call it research while i drool at the backdrops.)
i'll be there for 2weeks+ with some friends. we figured we would land in auckland, rent a car, and drive down to christchurch staying in hostels along the way. but that's all we planned as far as logistics go.
so if you have any insight / recommendations / stories / commentary of any sort, i would love to hear it.
after a few months' worth of contemplating summer possibilities, i finally gave up and decided the american economy wasn't going to give this second-year architecture student a quality internship, or any kind of job for that matter. so i let the wanderlust kick in (i'm lying. it's been there all along.) and decided the most logical solution to summer boredom would be to take advantage of the plummeting airfares and travel.
and now i am going to new zealand.
i just know nothing about it.
(i mean i suppose i could watch lord of the rings and chronicles of narnia a million times and call it research while i drool at the backdrops.)
i'll be there for 2weeks+ with some friends. we figured we would land in auckland, rent a car, and drive down to christchurch staying in hostels along the way. but that's all we planned as far as logistics go.
so if you have any insight / recommendations / stories / commentary of any sort, i would love to hear it.
why not live in the clouds, define your own responsibilities, eat sweets, clash your colors, dress for the wrong season, act without reason, drive without destination, make mistakes, believe in a greater force, watch the birds fly, and then the sun set, and then the stars shine, and then the sun rise, all within twelve hours; why not do exactly what you want to do and be exactly who you are and sometimes, sometimes be in love with the world around you.
the universe is shaped exactly like the earth: if you go straight long enough, you'll end up where you were
sometimes good things are not impossible. and someday i'll let go of the idea that everything will play out exactly the way i've always expected it to.
in other news, went to the pool this morning and walked to campus through the climbing humidity. i might be slightly losing my mind but it felt so much like a different lifetime, like i was walking through habu canyon instead, like i was rushing back to kubasaki for fourth period biology instead, like i was excited to meet up with mike or tim or alaina or mr spain instead. and then i thought about how important they used to be to my life. and about how i don't talk to any of them anymore. and you know, what the fuck am i doing with myself, letting important things go like that? it's not that i had nothing left to learn from them. and it's not that they didn't try to stay in my life. it just slips away. i guess i've just always believed i could find those characters everywhere -- the good friend, the best friend, the mentor, the soulmate. but a year's worth of loneliness proves that wrong, because it is less and less prevalent. or maybe we're all growing up and we just don't come with that same sense of childlike wonder and faith in relationships anymore. except i believe i still do. and if i do come to realize that what i have now is that same kind of deference, i could stand to be a little less careless.
a prelude to the summertime. whites, beiges, sheers, barely-visible skinny stripes, destroyed denim, bare feet, messy hair, blackberries, the air alive with traces of sam beam's ghosty voice, solitude, disconnection, unbearable heat, lemonade through straws, classes, employment, daytrips, the pacific ocean, concerts, watercolors, reading for pleasure, personal projects, growing a garden, conversations with a 3year old, car rides, good omens, great music, even better people, open minds, full hearts, and a literal representation of love.
an ode to recent days. wondering (with varying intensity) why i am so quick to adopt apathy. sleeping through 90degree weather. during daytime naps there is a tendency towards quick half-dreams. dying due to allergies. my head is somewhere else lately. i don't think i will complain about the heat today, there is something beautiful about the very early very unspoiled mornings. unrelated: i'd really like to see my dad next weekend.
in other news. sam divorced our facebook marriage. i feel like a lost dog.
an ode to recent days. wondering (with varying intensity) why i am so quick to adopt apathy. sleeping through 90degree weather. during daytime naps there is a tendency towards quick half-dreams. dying due to allergies. my head is somewhere else lately. i don't think i will complain about the heat today, there is something beautiful about the very early very unspoiled mornings. unrelated: i'd really like to see my dad next weekend.
in other news. sam divorced our facebook marriage. i feel like a lost dog.
blank
anthony: what would you do if you dropped out?
sometimes i consider this. so hard. more than sometimes. and not just because i hate cal poly every time i talk to anthony. or because i am still chasing after this ideal that life should be only what makes you happy. or because i am too detached from myself to know what it is that does make me happy. or because i don't have a great grasp of who i am to begin with. or because i should take time off to learn how to compose coherent sentences. none of the above.
sometimes i consider this. so hard. more than sometimes. and not just because i hate cal poly every time i talk to anthony. or because i am still chasing after this ideal that life should be only what makes you happy. or because i am too detached from myself to know what it is that does make me happy. or because i don't have a great grasp of who i am to begin with. or because i should take time off to learn how to compose coherent sentences. none of the above.
really want to go to new zealand this summer and i have no reasonable explaination for it. it's just been inexplicably urgent to travel travel travel and it isn't really surprising because i am always suffering from some form of wanderlust but this time it really is urgent. summer plans have been so up in the air that i kind of want to disappear for a while -- i don't want to think about finding work or taking classes or anything slightly resembling responsibility; i know i don't have a reason to be stressed or distressed or otherwise, but goddamnit i just need to find peace again. and definitely the potential company is wonderful but if things don't work out i wouldn't mind going alone.
as far as spring quarter goes, there have been some beautiful moments lately. and the more that pile up the more i feel like i don't deserve any of it. i'm glad it'll be raining tomorrow, a little reversion to normalcy would be nice (besides i've always very much loved the rain).
a list of happiness, both presently and potentially.
my kid sister. abandoned lighthouses. frozen yogurt and fresh fruit. drives along the california coast. the colors of the california coast. living on the california coast. music making certain senses more acute. reading for pleasure. seventy degrees. twitter. a really long fireworks show. the sand at pismo ("like brown sugar and cinnamon." -j). spring quarter. rain-scented everything. tuesdays that feel like yesterday. days in general that feel like yesterday. really beautiful moments. a boy. every single of montreal song title. a shift in the wardrobe palette. blackberries and vanilla icecream. nightly conversations wrapped up in blankets bumming on our uncomfortable couches. eccentricities in bedrooms. the late-afternoon light in cat's bedroom. (& every single person in that room.) dion's texts between 11:30 and 11:59: "bye bye mar"; "dont leave me!!"; "see u in 11 months...ill miss u..." -- it's been a great thirtyone days.
footnote: it's almost obsessive how much i want to ride in a hot air balloon.