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lots of things are public but most things are friends-only. also i change my mind a lot regarding privacy levels, so take that as you like. it's also the explanation for entries that disappear. then reappear. all the time.
high last night. and i should really just be by myself when i'm in that state because i know i look ridiculous to anyone else, constantly hiding under covers to block out the light, constantly shutting my ears to isolate the sounds. i can only handle two of the five senses at any given time, and since the sense of touch is always automatic, i can't deal with sight and sound in addition.
another reason i ought to be alone: bon iver played and sometimes i feel i can't control what i think about, because there are definitely thoughts i restrain myself from contemplating, because sometimes they are the wrong things, the wrong people, but when i do think about them everything starts spinning and and i chalk this all up to the drugs.
this stanza is the single most beautiful image: (then the snow started falling, we were stuck out in your car, you were rubbing both my hands, chewing on a candy bar. you said aint this just like the present, to be showing up like this? as the moon waned to crescent, we started to kiss. and you said i know it well.)
a series of scenes depicting some small space, somewhere outside, backdropped against rain, excited and insignificant and someday the world will keep going without us so let it go without us today, and i feel so private when this comes up, but i know that it's good, because i feel a little more content, if not a little more disconnected with the world at present.
i think sometimes the only reason i'm okay with the state of things is because i can see things like this, and i can see the perfection in things, and i know that i am too stubborn to live my life without claiming it for myself.
another reason i ought to be alone: bon iver played and sometimes i feel i can't control what i think about, because there are definitely thoughts i restrain myself from contemplating, because sometimes they are the wrong things, the wrong people, but when i do think about them everything starts spinning and and i chalk this all up to the drugs.
this stanza is the single most beautiful image: (then the snow started falling, we were stuck out in your car, you were rubbing both my hands, chewing on a candy bar. you said aint this just like the present, to be showing up like this? as the moon waned to crescent, we started to kiss. and you said i know it well.)
a series of scenes depicting some small space, somewhere outside, backdropped against rain, excited and insignificant and someday the world will keep going without us so let it go without us today, and i feel so private when this comes up, but i know that it's good, because i feel a little more content, if not a little more disconnected with the world at present.
i think sometimes the only reason i'm okay with the state of things is because i can see things like this, and i can see the perfection in things, and i know that i am too stubborn to live my life without claiming it for myself.
this was the center of the world for me once
Posted on 2009.11.02 at 10:53MUSIC: concrete heart, great lake swimmers
hiding out in the subway system. hanging out in the library system. you made me feel like a harbor. you made me feel like a fortress. this is the place where i felt like the world's tallest self-supporting tower. or maybe number two. at least for a little while anyway.
the below is a fairly inaccurate representation. there are some days when everything in my life seems as close to perfect as humanly possible. and there have been consistent chains of these beautiful moments lately. don't be alarmed.
i've got to go home, i've been so alone, you see
mildly inappropriate and somewhat unnecessary that i still refer to my life in general as a 'nation' whenever i present it in these circumstances, but i think it fits, because most days i am so scattered and messed up that i can't possibly harbor any kind of harmony in my head. anyways the below is a list of things that can be seen as 'updates' or general words to let you-the-reader know i am still a) alive, b) the same, and c) different.
1. upon writing that initial introductory nonsense i really wanted to listen to the song 'unison falling into harmony,' so i am, and as should you, because fuck, those words are really fucking beautiful.
2. i want to build a fort. i have wanted this for, it seems, very long.
3. it was somewhere in the high eighties today, and i jumped in a pool to counter both the heat and the studying.
4. these past six weeks appear normal as any but my life is changing very fast and very hard. i mean this honestly.
5. anima-genera.blogspot.com is my homepage. sorry to creep, b. you aren't surprised.
6. on relations with the boy: volatile. at least from my end. i try, constantly and forcefully, to mold my internal perceptions in order to keep emotions at bay. it works, most days. everything is just a matter of your own attitude anyway.
7. lots of soccer-watching and fifa 09 lately. reminds me very much of some lost summer some long time ago.
8. yeah i admit i'll eat top ramen. with egg, ham, and noodles slightly overcooked.
9. architecture this quarter is a whole other discussion altogether. see item #4.
10. i love the way that your lights come on when you've been lit with some happy thought. see item # 1.
11. related to item #6: i'm not enough. not really. i don't know what else i have to give him.
12. communication with outside entities is so out of priority lately. i miss my parents.
13. halloween weekend: ballerina, harakuju girl, and gypsy. i enjoyed it.
14. daylight savings time = 5:30 on sunday afternoon and the sky is already my favorite gradient of purple to orange. where is the day going?
15. mondays, wednesdays, and fridays.
16. i want to sleep. on a cloud. for a very long time. without feeling like i'm wasting time.
17. i love sam a lot. that goes without saying, because til death do us part, you slut. no facebook divorces. i am already weeping at the thought.
18. why do i feel so disconnected? i try so hard to achieve the otherwise.
19. listening to your rocky spine by the great lake swimmers brings me back to a campervan, a small black moleskine, the new zealand countryside, and sometimes sitting in a windowframe. i miss it. and even though they're still here, i miss them too.
20. lots of things i wish would change, but i have no suggestions what direction they ought to change.
21. i'm not sad nor in love, although sometimes i wish i was both, because at least then there'd be excuses for this kind of destructiveness. at least for a little while anyway.
but it will be a different kind
this is very important. and very hard for me to say.
i usually have no patience for photo montages but this was extra sweet. seeing it for the third time tonight :). did anyone else catch little moments alluding to the unbearable lightness of being? brian and i were all over ourselves when we realized it.
(i do not know what you want or what you think of this)
notes on fear
Posted on 2009.07.27 at 17:31MUSIC: where in the world are you, the great lake swimmers
slipping further and further away from every previously defined establishment of home. i don't feel anchored to anything anymore. in a figurative sense i've been on my own for so long, exploring my own unknowns, with myself as my preferred company. and in the process i think i've alienated all the people and all the places i had emotional ties to. i mean this in a reciprocative and very permanent sense -- those people and places probably see me as a stranger, a recurring and lingering stranger, but still a stranger.
sat outside earlier this afternoon listening to music, and it hit me like a train how foreign i feel in this house. in this house in this neighborhood with this family who just a year ago used to be at the very center of my heart. and then there's my real family, which in and of itself is an ongoing conflict no matter what angle you view it. my dad is incapable of rational communication and my mom in turn acts as the messenger between us, a fact that we're both aware of, which always puts me in a bad mood whenever i talk to her.
my friends from high school who probably all think i rid my life of them, which probably prompted them to forget about me in turn. yeah, even the most important ones. is this why i'm finding myself desperately trying to make contact, to forcefully inject myself into their lives like a little parasite, why i'm pouncing on every opportunity to reconnect.
some days i just need to remember that all this wandering around looking for higher things will get me into trouble in the end. that when i leave, i really can't come back. that the sole reason i leave them so fast is so they can't leave me first. yes, i really am more selfish than you wish i'd be. (a slight confession that i always leave before i'm ready to, and an even slighter confession that i always wonder what could have happened if i stayed.)
i don't know what i'm trying to say.
just that i'm not feeling correctly. (but i know how you feel. i always know how you feel.)
sat outside earlier this afternoon listening to music, and it hit me like a train how foreign i feel in this house. in this house in this neighborhood with this family who just a year ago used to be at the very center of my heart. and then there's my real family, which in and of itself is an ongoing conflict no matter what angle you view it. my dad is incapable of rational communication and my mom in turn acts as the messenger between us, a fact that we're both aware of, which always puts me in a bad mood whenever i talk to her.
my friends from high school who probably all think i rid my life of them, which probably prompted them to forget about me in turn. yeah, even the most important ones. is this why i'm finding myself desperately trying to make contact, to forcefully inject myself into their lives like a little parasite, why i'm pouncing on every opportunity to reconnect.
some days i just need to remember that all this wandering around looking for higher things will get me into trouble in the end. that when i leave, i really can't come back. that the sole reason i leave them so fast is so they can't leave me first. yes, i really am more selfish than you wish i'd be. (a slight confession that i always leave before i'm ready to, and an even slighter confession that i always wonder what could have happened if i stayed.)
i don't know what i'm trying to say.
just that i'm not feeling correctly. (but i know how you feel. i always know how you feel.)
“You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone. You’ll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it’s gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It’s like you feel homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist. Maybe it’s like this rite of passage, you know. You won’t ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it’s like a cycle or something. I don’t know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that’s all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.”
- Garden State
i have absolutely no reason to feel a big void. but it's there. the following is desired and would be used to alleviate the emptiness of this particular hole, for reasons both shallow and not so much.
bon iver, live
the Perfect Mix CD, part 6
direction
kindle
500 days of summer
a best friend
that i can talk to
whenever i want
about anything i want
without feeling like
they don't want to hear any of it
because lately
i really need it and
i know there are people who think they are here
for me
but
well
even though they think they want to hear it
they don't want to hear it
a red scarf to tie around my neck this winter
a ticket to ac milan next sunday :(
home (what are you?)
the opposite of insecurity
(which does not always translate to security)
bon iver, live
the Perfect Mix CD, part 6
direction
kindle
500 days of summer
a best friend
that i can talk to
whenever i want
about anything i want
without feeling like
they don't want to hear any of it
because lately
i really need it and
i know there are people who think they are here
for me
but
well
even though they think they want to hear it
they don't want to hear it
a red scarf to tie around my neck this winter
a ticket to ac milan next sunday :(
home (what are you?)
the opposite of insecurity
(which does not always translate to security)
good thing i don't care right? good thing.
truth is i've always been afraid i will never be truly content and happy spending the rest of my life with someone else. this sentiment is not out of dissatisfaction, nor of greed or selfishness or vanity or anything like that. contrarily. i just don't believe anyone should have to deal with me. (sidenote that i fiercely debated whether or not this should be made public, and though i am still having that internal argument, an inclination toward yes is developing due to both low readership and the desire to explain myself to that low readership.) sometimes i am very volatile. and sometimes i feel things very strongly. and most times i act upon these feelings in very unorthodox ways. and i am difficult to understand, and most of the important things are buried so deeply that usually they tend to not come out, and usually i am very private and oftentimes very closed. but sometimes i'm not. and sometimes these important things float way too close to the surface. and that's where affairs move into more troublesome waters. that's when i become more vulnerable and simultaneously more cautious and reasons for the two stances come from opposing ends of my conscience. and when this state is reached the combination produces a synergistic effect: a personal ultimatum that brings me closer or that much farther away. this is not meant to be an in-depth analysis but rather a brief of what i am like, and why i should not involve myself in matters of the heart; but it is not an explaination of why i am still involved anyway. still very, completely, increasingly involved.
very uncharacteristic the way i tackled this season with barely any kind of direction. sometimes i just get tired of planning my life and choose to close my eyes and hope magic will result and i am too easily discouraged when i realize things are exactly as i left them -- unresolved. so instead of leaving these three months up to fate (as i originally wanted), i suppose it's a smarter idea altogether to push it one way or another.
there is a multitude of factors keeping me from spending all summer in california, but such matters are unimportant. the way i see it, i will be in the pacific northwest until the middle of july. this will include familial bonding, a seaside july4th trip to ocean shores, adventuring into canada, exploring seattle, and living in my most favorite house i've ever lived in. hopefully the company will be pleasant and reprimands kept to a minimum, but that's never guaranteed with these parents involved, especially given their current climate.
afterwards i will return to orange county in time for the midnight showing of potter, and the rest of july will be littered with various beach trips and soccer matches and lazing around and general debauchery, perhaps with some of my favorite people ever, but that's another matter for another day.
and then i go to new zealand. it's still ridiculous to me how that little idea managed to manifest into something real, and indeed it is now very real, complete with a six-person group and plans of hostels, road trips, and a very kickass camper van.
in other news: second year officially ended as of last thursday. quite honestly i am growing further and further from the person i was in high school, whether or not it's towards the right direction i still have no idea. but if there's one thing i'm sure of, it's that this year instilled a very powerful sense of self into my scope of vision and personal awareness. and whatever the endresult is, i'm glad for this discovery stage, and the people who are a part of it.
i am growing up more consciously than i ever will again. this particular stage is so confusing, and at it times renders me lost and loster and loster still until i shut the entire world out if only just to breathe for a bit. it just gets overwhelming how tiny things can shake me to the core, how previously unnoticed words and conversations and gestures can now become potential centers of unrealized conviction. as a faithful believer in the idea that nothing tangible ever lasts, i've developed a certain peace in knowing that even though these people will someday stop being a part of my life, they will always be a part of me, apart from me, existing both as separate entities and extensions of my self.
this has rapidly become as un-readerfriendly as i'd ever want, but it's almost dishonest if i remove it now. all i really want you to know is that to me there is you, and i am fucking grateful for you, and i am very happy to know you. this could go to anyone in general but to a few in partifular,
if i couldn't make my old relationships last, who's to say these won't disappear even sooner? i want mike back in my life so badly. because if i can somehow find my best friend in him again, then love really can transcend deliberate detachment, and i am allowed to have faith in the people around me. there is something safe about a forceful presence, about another person a part of you, apart from you, someone who exists in a different dimension but lives for the same thing.
but when shells harden and walls go up it becomes increasingly impossible to allow any kind of presence to penetrate deep enough to feel real. even though there are a million and a half reasons arguing against you.
i guess that's where my head is. stuck on some metaphorical fork in the road. half- interacting on auto pilot and half- looking for the catalyst that deems this all as magic.
speaking of magic: there is an uninterrupted sequence of raw beauty in this song. the seventh stanza.
it's been rare lately but i will always love these empty nights in my room, music resonating in the air and half-light pouring across the walls. it's the closest thing i have to meditation and interestingly enough it's the least lonely i've felt in a long time.
but when shells harden and walls go up it becomes increasingly impossible to allow any kind of presence to penetrate deep enough to feel real. even though there are a million and a half reasons arguing against you.
i guess that's where my head is. stuck on some metaphorical fork in the road. half- interacting on auto pilot and half- looking for the catalyst that deems this all as magic.
speaking of magic: there is an uninterrupted sequence of raw beauty in this song. the seventh stanza.
it's been rare lately but i will always love these empty nights in my room, music resonating in the air and half-light pouring across the walls. it's the closest thing i have to meditation and interestingly enough it's the least lonely i've felt in a long time.
please
remember me
happily
by the rosebush laughing
with bruises on my chin
the time when
we counted every black car passing
your house
beneath the hill
and up until
someone caught us in the kitchen
with maps
a mountain range
a piggy bank
a vision too removed to mention
and the complications you could do without when i kissed you on the mouth
Posted on 2009.05.04 at 16:51
woke up finding health to be less than 100% -- in other words i think my sinuses finally decided to explode. verbal spat with someone semi-important: you frustrate me more than anyone else ever can. and i'll take this back immediately but i'm so glad you aren't part of my summertime agenda. started suffocating in my bedroom so i went outside and walked to the grocery store downtown. nobody ever told me there was an asian market out there btw. i foresee frequent trips for ramune. marbles in the bottle and everything. this should all be twittered but i didn't want to bother. in slightly happier news: norweigan wood is more and more beautiful.